I've had the opportunity to listen to the big sports talk station in town this week and I've discovered a few simple steps for hosting a sports talk program. It's really pretty simple so if you've ever listened to such programs and thought to yourself, "Hey! I could do this!" I urge you to put these three steps into practice and soon you'll be rubbing elbows with Dan Patrick and Bob Costas and, well, probably not.
First, learn to repeat every sentence you say at least three times.
Say something like, "The Suns did not show up to play tonight." Then say it again. Say it one more time. Apparently, those who listen to sports talk program aren't very swift so you've got to repeat your points over and over again until the listener gets what you're saying.
(Or maybe the host is not very swift and simply repeats stuff over and over again because they've got no real insight or anaylsis to offer. Nah - that's couldn't be true, right?)
Ah, but repetition in and of itself is not enough!
Second, as you repeat every sentence three times, crank up the volume!!
Let me try and demonstrate (you can't hear me so use your imagination, OK?)
"The Suns did not show up to play tonight. The Suns Did Not Show Up To Play Tonight! THE SUNS DID NOT SHOW UP TO PLAY TONIGHT!!!!!"
Cranking up the volume proves that you are a passionate sports talk show host and we sports fans are nothing if not passionate about our teams and their performance.
Third, remind your audience over and over again that you were at the game.
I guess this lets your listeners know that you weren't watching the game from the comfort of your living room where with all the good camera angles and instant replay, you can see the game much better than at a seat in the stadium. You were there at the game! That must lend more creditability to what you say.
So, say something like, "You're right, I was at that game and the Suns did not show up to play. No way did they play hard. I was there and the Suns didn't show up. I was there at that game and the Suns did not show up, no way! I WAS THERE AT THE GAME AND THE SUNS DID NOT SHOW UP!" (a good use of rules 2 and 3).
Now I know that there are only a few sports talk show hosting opportunities out there so maybe you can use these rules where you work. If you're a pastor, use them in the pulpit: (The devil fooled Adam and Eve. The Devil Fooled Adam And Eve! THE DEVIL FOOLED ADAM AND EVE!!!)
Or maybe you can apply the rules with your fellow employees: (I was there at the meeting and our benefits have been frozen. They're frozen! I was there. I heard it with my own two ears. I WAS THERE AT THE MEETING!!!)
Of course, should you apply these three rules to your place of work, you might run the risk of having happen to you what I did to the sports talk station.
Tune it out.
