10) Consultant believes that the church cannot gain new members by singing old hymns and songs; forbids the band to play any song written before 2005.
9) Consultant has pastor begin each sermon with a joke "just like Joel Osteen."
8) Consultant creates outrage in the congregation by cancelling the coffee and donut hour and installing vending machines.
7) "If you follow my plan, work my plan and don't deviate from my plan, I guarantee that I will fill up this church with new members. With God's help, of course."
6) Consultant instructs the pastor to always be smiling to project warmth during the service; this becomes especially off-putting during confession and absolution.
5) To increase attendance, consultant creates "Bring your Pet to Church Sunday" which infuriates the custodian on Monday.
4) Consultant urges the church to focus on the important 18-34 demographic group of soccer dads with 2 and 1/2 children who drink microbrews and make less than $30,000 a year.
3) Consultant recommends a new way to increase attendance: let guests and visitors take money out of the collection plate.
2) Consultant replaces small group ministry with a "smaller group ministry" consisting of one person or less per group.
And the number one sign that your Church Growth Consultant is off-kilter is:
1) Consultant suggests that the pastor change his name to "Max Lucado."
